Do you think that when we are born we come in to the world knowing what life has in store for us ? Having some-one inside of me I wonder about things like that. I wonder why this little person has come to me. Especially, under the circumstances. I get upset about it some-times, I know its a horrible thing to get upset about some-thing so beautiful and someone so innocent, but I miss "the Man" So much, Talking to him, we could say anything to each other and speak so openly. I had never had that before him. What is more annoying is I will never truely know, if the feeling's that I felt were genuine.
"The boy" Was alway's in the way and than along came the little one and that was that. Gone,over forever.
Over the weekend, it was my brother's birthday party, we went to his friends place in North Sydney, And I watched people drink and take drugs whilst I had multiple cans of diet coke and watched people enjoy themselves, I love watching people when they are happy, and talking to each other, when everything around is calm and fun. It makes it so much more relaxing.
Any-way on of his friends went to the same school as "The Man" I asked him if he knew him, and he said yes, they know each other. He went on to ask me why, and I said no reason just wondering. Its a small world really, when I think about things like that, the fact that this person would be a mutual friend through my brother. Our paths might cross one day. That would be fate for sure if that ever were to happen. After a few drinks we went out to a bar called the sugarmill. I didn't stay too long though I started to get tired and "The boy" came home with me which was nice. He will never stop suprising me, I know that.
The next day, he had a call from his mother, she wants to give us a gift for when the baby comes,
she wont be able to make it when the baby is born so she wants to pay for a maternity nurse to live with us for 6 weeks and help with the baby.
Our apartment is so small, I am still not sure how I feel about it, or having someone I don't really know around. "The boy" Loves the idea! I love the idea of him and I doing thing's together and working together, rather than getting some-one else to do all of it for us.
We will see though, I would hate to be rude to his mother especially after all the thought that went in to it.
I haven't worked as much this week, and the little one has taken it upon itself to sit or lay on my ribcage! So painful.
All in all, this week has been good though. I will keep updating. Once again I have to say how good it is to be able to vent here, because I would go crazy if I couldn't talk about "The Boy" or "The Man" and its nice to know there's no judgements when you are writing for yourself :)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A New day....
I noticed when looking over my previous entries that it was full of so many negative thing's , A lot of complaining.
If "The boy" knew what I was writing about him here I am sure he would be upset. Beside, all the negative thing's that I have been writing about, good thing's also happen!
"The Boy" Felt bad about yesterday morning, and today we got in the car and drove to Shoal Haven Heads. We didn't plan it, He woke up and said he wanted to go for breakfast some-where, so we got in the car and started driving , we were going to go to Bronte, but on the way we started talking about the freedom you feel when you are young, and enjoying the simple things in life. Its easy to get caught up with all the responsibilities that life brings ."The Boy" has more trouble than me ,with accepting that life is full of responsibilities. I said to him, wouldn't it be good if could just keep driving. He than said great idea, lets just go for a drive. I was hesitant and started thinking about our job's. For him he does a lot of freelance work so its a bit easier for him to take time off.
He convinced me though, reminding me that in a few weeks time we will probably have to plan even the smallest thing's like going shopping or going to the bank.
"The Boy" Was right, he is full of surprises, I can be so upset and angry with him one day and than the next day he helps me forget what happened the day before!
The car ride gave us time to talk about thing's, and he apologised letting me know that he is still getting used to the fact that he will be a Dad soon. I can understand that, the baby wasn't planned and to be truthful if it wasn't for the baby I don't think we would be together now.
But, the baby did come, the little thing turned my life upside down! I am not regretful though, I can't wait to bring it in to the world, to me every-thing happens for a reason, and I am a firm believer in destiny and karma - the passing of karma from a previous life in to the new.
I had hoped that "The Man" was going to play a bigger role in my life, as fate had it, that wasn't the case, I do know that "The Man" was around to support me when I most needed it, and I guess that was his role, or at least our role, to support each other until it wasn't needed anymore.
Back to today, So when we arrived in Shoal Haven we bought some fish and chips and tomato sauce and went down by the beach, we ate, and laughed ,walked along the beach and built sandcastles. It was pretty good to spend some time with him. Some-times its as though we lead two different lives so when we get time together, its like reconnecting. And it was good to experience some time with him. I am curious to see how much our life is going to change when the baby comes, and whether it will soften "The Boy" and help him focus and realise what he can have with us, or the life we could create, if he just takes control of the drugs and partying.
I see his potential, he just needs to see it, its just getting him to see it that's the problem. :)
If "The boy" knew what I was writing about him here I am sure he would be upset. Beside, all the negative thing's that I have been writing about, good thing's also happen!
"The Boy" Felt bad about yesterday morning, and today we got in the car and drove to Shoal Haven Heads. We didn't plan it, He woke up and said he wanted to go for breakfast some-where, so we got in the car and started driving , we were going to go to Bronte, but on the way we started talking about the freedom you feel when you are young, and enjoying the simple things in life. Its easy to get caught up with all the responsibilities that life brings ."The Boy" has more trouble than me ,with accepting that life is full of responsibilities. I said to him, wouldn't it be good if could just keep driving. He than said great idea, lets just go for a drive. I was hesitant and started thinking about our job's. For him he does a lot of freelance work so its a bit easier for him to take time off.
He convinced me though, reminding me that in a few weeks time we will probably have to plan even the smallest thing's like going shopping or going to the bank.
"The Boy" Was right, he is full of surprises, I can be so upset and angry with him one day and than the next day he helps me forget what happened the day before!
The car ride gave us time to talk about thing's, and he apologised letting me know that he is still getting used to the fact that he will be a Dad soon. I can understand that, the baby wasn't planned and to be truthful if it wasn't for the baby I don't think we would be together now.
But, the baby did come, the little thing turned my life upside down! I am not regretful though, I can't wait to bring it in to the world, to me every-thing happens for a reason, and I am a firm believer in destiny and karma - the passing of karma from a previous life in to the new.
I had hoped that "The Man" was going to play a bigger role in my life, as fate had it, that wasn't the case, I do know that "The Man" was around to support me when I most needed it, and I guess that was his role, or at least our role, to support each other until it wasn't needed anymore.
Back to today, So when we arrived in Shoal Haven we bought some fish and chips and tomato sauce and went down by the beach, we ate, and laughed ,walked along the beach and built sandcastles. It was pretty good to spend some time with him. Some-times its as though we lead two different lives so when we get time together, its like reconnecting. And it was good to experience some time with him. I am curious to see how much our life is going to change when the baby comes, and whether it will soften "The Boy" and help him focus and realise what he can have with us, or the life we could create, if he just takes control of the drugs and partying.
I see his potential, he just needs to see it, its just getting him to see it that's the problem. :)
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Creating Clarity through Creativity
Last night I finished work at 8:00 pm, I generally do a lot of travel for work, BUT at the moment its just not possible, So I spend much too much time in an office, drinking a lot of water and imagining its a large caramel latte.
Any-way back to what I wanted to write about.
Last night I returned home to an empty apartment, which I loved, it meant I could watch gossip girl without the whinging.
"The Boy" Had gone out with friend's to the Paddington Arms for a few drinks. He had been pretty good the last few weekends as far as drugs and his temper goes. He had calmed down a lot so I wasn't worried.
I woke up at 3 am and he wasn't home yet, I didn't do any-thing, just went back to sleep.
It was 7:00 am and I heard the door slam, and in comes "The Boy"
He was out of it, completely trashed. He than started asking me who I was.
I said "don't be silly, you know who I am"
"No, I don't what the fuck are you doing in my house" " The Boy said"
I was shocked, so I asked him to sit down, and tried explaining to him that it was not just "his house " It was "Our house"
He was very fidgety and unable to focus, he stood up and started pacing up and down the spiral stairs (We have a spiral staircase that leads up to the bedroom)
It was nearly 8 am by this time and I didn't have the energy to deal with him, so I went in to the bathroom to have a shower and get dressed.
Whilst, I was in the shower I start hearing all these thumping and banging noises.
I get out of the shower, get dressed and go in to the kitchen. "The boy" Had thrown the microwave on the kitchen floor, along with all the pots, He had smashed jars of olives,curry paste,capers etc and it was a mess. "The boy" Was creating some-thing or at least he thought he was. I ask him what he's doing, and he tells me that he is trying to create some clarity by being creative.
He reminded me of one of those men you see sitting in the street, selling irrelevant trinkets and mumbling a whole lot of un relatable words. "
The Boy" Clearly knew what he was doing, however I just couldn't understand it.
I did understand what his statement meant though, So I decided I would do the same thing, I waited until he went to sleep, and than went to Oxford art supplies, I bought some canvas and some paint came home and painted for the whole afternoon.
"The boy" is still asleep, when he wakes up I will go over this morning's events with him and show him how I chose to be creative.
Any-way back to what I wanted to write about.
Last night I returned home to an empty apartment, which I loved, it meant I could watch gossip girl without the whinging.
"The Boy" Had gone out with friend's to the Paddington Arms for a few drinks. He had been pretty good the last few weekends as far as drugs and his temper goes. He had calmed down a lot so I wasn't worried.
I woke up at 3 am and he wasn't home yet, I didn't do any-thing, just went back to sleep.
It was 7:00 am and I heard the door slam, and in comes "The Boy"
He was out of it, completely trashed. He than started asking me who I was.
I said "don't be silly, you know who I am"
"No, I don't what the fuck are you doing in my house" " The Boy said"
I was shocked, so I asked him to sit down, and tried explaining to him that it was not just "his house " It was "Our house"
He was very fidgety and unable to focus, he stood up and started pacing up and down the spiral stairs (We have a spiral staircase that leads up to the bedroom)
It was nearly 8 am by this time and I didn't have the energy to deal with him, so I went in to the bathroom to have a shower and get dressed.
Whilst, I was in the shower I start hearing all these thumping and banging noises.
I get out of the shower, get dressed and go in to the kitchen. "The boy" Had thrown the microwave on the kitchen floor, along with all the pots, He had smashed jars of olives,curry paste,capers etc and it was a mess. "The boy" Was creating some-thing or at least he thought he was. I ask him what he's doing, and he tells me that he is trying to create some clarity by being creative.
He reminded me of one of those men you see sitting in the street, selling irrelevant trinkets and mumbling a whole lot of un relatable words. "
The Boy" Clearly knew what he was doing, however I just couldn't understand it.
I did understand what his statement meant though, So I decided I would do the same thing, I waited until he went to sleep, and than went to Oxford art supplies, I bought some canvas and some paint came home and painted for the whole afternoon.
"The boy" is still asleep, when he wakes up I will go over this morning's events with him and show him how I chose to be creative.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Slowing down is wonderful
I love it when you get those rare moments to actually slow down and think.
When the day passes you by and than all of a sudden, YOU can actually be part of the day.
Rather than the day being a part of YOU.
Today, has been non-stop, I haven't had a moment to myself, until now....
So, sitting here to write this is a nice place to be.
I have 7 and a half weeks to go until I bring some-one in to the world, and I want in to come in to the world free of complications.
"The boy" And I are trying to be more open with each other, and I am trying to accept every-thing that he has done in the past, after all, for me to take him back, I need to forgive him for every-thing. I still miss "The Man" And I constantly finding myself comparing him to "The boy" I wonder if I had of met him maybe I would not be comparing so much.
I am always thinking about what might be, when I should be thinking about what is.
Last night, "The boy" And I were discussing what we are going to do after the baby, it was different to have or talk about some sort of plan, my whole life I have been free, I have done alot of travelling and lived in different places my entire life and so has "The Boy" that's some-thing we both have in common (One of the very few things!)
At the moment we live right in the city, in a small 2 bedroom apartment, so we discussed that and whether we should find some-where bigger or some-where out of the city a little bit.
And we also talked about perhaps moving to NYC which is where he is from. And us being the free spirits that we are talked about taking the baby backpacking, Its was really good to talk about all things, Whether they are realistic choices at the moment is another thing.
I do like the idea of escaping again, Its fun to travel and feel the freedom, meet new people, try new thing's and not worry about the daily hassles that surround us, such as work, mortgage, and general blah!
The other thing that happened last night that was nice was "The boy" Told me he loved me, it was the first time he had said that with me actually feeling it!
It was a nice feeling.....
This is all I have for now, I am going to continue posting, It feels nice to voice my thoughts through this medium!
When the day passes you by and than all of a sudden, YOU can actually be part of the day.
Rather than the day being a part of YOU.
Today, has been non-stop, I haven't had a moment to myself, until now....
So, sitting here to write this is a nice place to be.
I have 7 and a half weeks to go until I bring some-one in to the world, and I want in to come in to the world free of complications.
"The boy" And I are trying to be more open with each other, and I am trying to accept every-thing that he has done in the past, after all, for me to take him back, I need to forgive him for every-thing. I still miss "The Man" And I constantly finding myself comparing him to "The boy" I wonder if I had of met him maybe I would not be comparing so much.
I am always thinking about what might be, when I should be thinking about what is.
Last night, "The boy" And I were discussing what we are going to do after the baby, it was different to have or talk about some sort of plan, my whole life I have been free, I have done alot of travelling and lived in different places my entire life and so has "The Boy" that's some-thing we both have in common (One of the very few things!)
At the moment we live right in the city, in a small 2 bedroom apartment, so we discussed that and whether we should find some-where bigger or some-where out of the city a little bit.
And we also talked about perhaps moving to NYC which is where he is from. And us being the free spirits that we are talked about taking the baby backpacking, Its was really good to talk about all things, Whether they are realistic choices at the moment is another thing.
I do like the idea of escaping again, Its fun to travel and feel the freedom, meet new people, try new thing's and not worry about the daily hassles that surround us, such as work, mortgage, and general blah!
The other thing that happened last night that was nice was "The boy" Told me he loved me, it was the first time he had said that with me actually feeling it!
It was a nice feeling.....
This is all I have for now, I am going to continue posting, It feels nice to voice my thoughts through this medium!
Monday, May 4, 2009
The First one, A background of the past, to the present.
The first post from me, I have been told that writing a blog is "therapeutic" and a good way to get your thoughts and feeling's out, Kind of neutral I guess. I would prefer not to have my name here, just because its easier to remain anon. when writing about the detail's of your life, and I would prefer that the people I write about remain anon. as well.
And seeing as I have some-thing that I need to say, I am going to write it all in here.
I want to write about what's happened over the past few month's/years as it
had a huge affect on me, and leaves me feeling sick every-time I think about it.
I live in Sydney with my partner of four year's lets call him "The boy" Because, that's sort of what he his, even though he is 28, Some-time's I find it hard to tell the difference between him and my 14 year old brother. To say we have an amazing relationship would be a lie. Its a painful, some-times great but mostly sad relationship. To add to that I am having a baby in 2 more months, so I am at a place in my life where I feel confused about the thing's that are going on in my life. In fact, I have been confused for a very long time.
There used to be another person in this strange, triangle he was very much an active part of my life, I am going to call him "The Man" because, he is exactly that.
To put every-thing in to perspective, I think I need to start at the top and keep writing until I get to where I am now. This will be the longest post out of all of them, I am sure!
I met "The boy" when I was living overseas, he was exciting and fun and from another country, so I loved getting to know him. It wasn't love at first sight or any-thing like that. It was more that I was living in a lower developed country alone and enjoyed his company, so him and I just sort of fell together.
It all happened very fast, a year after we were together, he went back to his home country and I went back to mine for a holiday. It was around 6 weeks we were apart. When I returned back to my "adopted home". "The boy " told me he had met some-one else. I was really hurt, I can still remember the moment that he told me, I should have known though because the weeks leading up to that moment there were signs. His lack of interest in my life and thing's like that.
This is where it starts to get a little bit odd, and I can't believe I am actually going to post this online, but it starts to get a little odd, than it just gets BIZARRE.
I than "meet : The Man"
Its not "meet" like in the natural, way, Its "meet" as in , started talking to him online.
It was just talking, he was facing his own issues, and was finding it much easier to talk to some-one he had never met about his problems, he was struggling with his own identity.
It was nice to talk to him because I didn't need to tell him about my broken relationship, I could just listen to what was going on with him. He was in a relationship and feeling a little lost as far as his personal life went. On the surface, he had a great friends, and a good job and a
lot of thing's going for him. So, we talked about the issues he was facing, I never judged him because, what he thought and did was not of any affect to me.
A few months later "The Boy " came back in to my life, apologising full of guilt and remorse, and so I started to see him again. "The man" had his own thing's going on so we left it at that.
Than, the day came and it was time for "The boy" And I to either stay together and he move to Australia or break up. He chose to come to Australia. We got a car and drove from Cairns to Brisbane, stayed in the Sunshine coast, and drove down through Byron Bay, on our way to Sydney, where we planned to stay. It was an awesome time for us, and we were getting along really well. After, getting job's we decided to put our savings together and buy a small apartment in the city. "The boy" started working two jobs, during the day he would design websites and thing's like that and in the evening he would work in a bar. Over the next few months he started to stress out and take drugs, it started off just being a recreational thing as time went on though, I was starting to notice a change in his personality.
Irrational,Erratic,Moody, you name it he had that emotion and he could turn it on and off like a light. I would come home to a mess, or find myself lieing to my friends and family because I didn't want any-one to know what was going on with him. It had been a year or so since I had talked to "The Man" so I thought I would write him an e-mail just asking how he was. We seemed to get along with each other before and this time I really needed some-one to talk to that wasn't going to judge me for what I had gotten myself in to.
We talked, and little by little we started learning more and more about each other.
And my feeling's for him were changing in to some-thing that felt real. It was safe to talk to him and helped me with what I was dealing with.
In November of last year, I got engaged, I didn't tell "The Man" at that time it didn't seem relevant or at least I didn't want to admit it to myself let alone him.
"The boy " And I were engaged, and I was pregnant, although I didn't realise I was pregnant until later.
"The Man" Was coming back to Sydney for the Christmas holidays, by this time we were quite close, and the prospect of meeting him was exciting. It was around this time that "The boy" started getting worse, he would argue with me, or come home wasted and hit me, he would call me all the time feeling insecure about where I was and what I was doing.
It was at this time that I told "The Man" What was going on. I didn't meet the him, I was scared that some-thing else might happen if I was to do this.
So, back overseas went "The Man" as my personal life started to fall apart, I started to rely on him, talking to help was a way to escape, and made me feel better.
It was easy to talk to "The Man" We talked daily, for hours, one day 13 hours. There was some-thing there. We could relate to each other, we exchanged photo's and thing's like that. So here I was with 2 people in my life, unsure of how to juggle both of them.
"The Man" And I talked so often we were starting to sound the same, and say the same thing's.
I was by this time going to my fiance's country for a 3 week holiday, I said to "the man" I was going to finish thing's with "The boy" And we could see whether him and I were meant to be.
I told "The Man" in the first few minutes of landing that I had enough of the relationship and I thought it would be best if we moved in separate ways, he agreed. Over those three weeks he was really attentive and it was good to see how he was around his own family and friends as I had never seen this. A pattern was starting to form, I wasn't sure what to do, because giving up on my current relationship to be with some-one I had never met, seemed really, really, unrealistic.
I had a ticket to visit "The Man" and I didn't go. I got a refund on the ticket at the last minute.
Back in Australia, "The man " and I kept talking and "The boy" moved his stuff out of our apartment, it was over. For a little while at least, "The Man" Was moving back to Sydney,
we started to talk about seeing each other, and the thing's we could do with each other.
I found out a week before he arrived that I was four months pregnant. I might of known before this but I ignored the signs. "The boy" came over and we talked about it, I told him I was in love with some-one , I never told him at that point that the person I was in love with I hadn't actually met. He got angry and left.
I had a baby inside of me, I had a fiance that was not going to give up on us and some-one I had never met, that I felt this connection with. Sort of like we had met a million times before.
And the fact that I was pregnant and engaged, I never even told "The Man" The thought crossed my mind so many times, and every time I went to tell him , I would say some-thing else, and I had to cover up a lie with a lie. It just kept getting worse and worse. All of a sudden, because of the thing's that were going on his attitude understandably changed.
I knew it was selfish of me, to hold on to this person whilst, every-thing else was going on. I felt like I was living two lives.
Thing's between "The Boy" And I were not getting any better, he was still following my every move, monitoring what was happening with me, even following me to work. A huge argument took place over "The Man" , where I ended up telling him I had never met him before.
Thinking this would calm him down, it didn't. I went to my parent's place, they live in another city, and I spent the week with them, trying to get my head straight.
"The Boy" showed up, we talked and decided we would stay together. We would try and change our situation. I would need to stop talking to "The man". I knew, this was best, because it would make thing's less complicated. I also, knew that if I was to tell "the Man " The truth , that surely his feeling's would be different. Pregnant,engaged, obviously tells some-one that I was in a more serious relationship than I had let on. "The Man" was also seeing some-one by this time, I was heartbroken when I found this out, and knew that I was being so selfish, not letting some-one in on my life yet being heartbroken that he was trying to get on with his life.
This is where it gets even more bizarre.
"The boy" being insecure about this, decides some-one else should meet him and tell him all of this, so he arranges for some-one else to meet him and tell him what's going on.
This happens, and I am not sure of the events that took place from there, but I never heared from "The Man" again.
I know its so easy to judge if you have never been through some-thing like this, I want to make it clear that even though my actions don't reflect my feeling's, I did feel some-thing amazing with "The Man" Its been a month now since we have spoken. I know that now he would have moved past all of this, especially after the way he was treated.
I believe that, thing's happen in people's lives for a reason, and people come in and out of your life. And I know he was an important part of my life, even though I never met him, He challenged the way I thought about thing's. I still go to sleep at night, praying that he is okay, and I still check my phone hoping that I will get a text or a call, and there's day's where I am driving in my car and I think I should just go and see him, I mean a drink isn't going to hurt. Than my thoughts turn to "The boy" And "The baby" and I realise its not helping any-one by me complicating thing's even further. Admittedly, I feel guilty every single day for the lies.
Slowly, thing's are getting better with "The boy" He has been making an effort to get thing's right between us, and gets excited when we talk about our baby. And so do I.
I did always hope that I would have a baby made out of love, Who knows maybe it will be made out of love, the love just might come later?
And seeing as I have some-thing that I need to say, I am going to write it all in here.
I want to write about what's happened over the past few month's/years as it
had a huge affect on me, and leaves me feeling sick every-time I think about it.
I live in Sydney with my partner of four year's lets call him "The boy" Because, that's sort of what he his, even though he is 28, Some-time's I find it hard to tell the difference between him and my 14 year old brother. To say we have an amazing relationship would be a lie. Its a painful, some-times great but mostly sad relationship. To add to that I am having a baby in 2 more months, so I am at a place in my life where I feel confused about the thing's that are going on in my life. In fact, I have been confused for a very long time.
There used to be another person in this strange, triangle he was very much an active part of my life, I am going to call him "The Man" because, he is exactly that.
To put every-thing in to perspective, I think I need to start at the top and keep writing until I get to where I am now. This will be the longest post out of all of them, I am sure!
I met "The boy" when I was living overseas, he was exciting and fun and from another country, so I loved getting to know him. It wasn't love at first sight or any-thing like that. It was more that I was living in a lower developed country alone and enjoyed his company, so him and I just sort of fell together.
It all happened very fast, a year after we were together, he went back to his home country and I went back to mine for a holiday. It was around 6 weeks we were apart. When I returned back to my "adopted home". "The boy " told me he had met some-one else. I was really hurt, I can still remember the moment that he told me, I should have known though because the weeks leading up to that moment there were signs. His lack of interest in my life and thing's like that.
This is where it starts to get a little bit odd, and I can't believe I am actually going to post this online, but it starts to get a little odd, than it just gets BIZARRE.
I than "meet : The Man"
Its not "meet" like in the natural, way, Its "meet" as in , started talking to him online.
It was just talking, he was facing his own issues, and was finding it much easier to talk to some-one he had never met about his problems, he was struggling with his own identity.
It was nice to talk to him because I didn't need to tell him about my broken relationship, I could just listen to what was going on with him. He was in a relationship and feeling a little lost as far as his personal life went. On the surface, he had a great friends, and a good job and a
lot of thing's going for him. So, we talked about the issues he was facing, I never judged him because, what he thought and did was not of any affect to me.
A few months later "The Boy " came back in to my life, apologising full of guilt and remorse, and so I started to see him again. "The man" had his own thing's going on so we left it at that.
Than, the day came and it was time for "The boy" And I to either stay together and he move to Australia or break up. He chose to come to Australia. We got a car and drove from Cairns to Brisbane, stayed in the Sunshine coast, and drove down through Byron Bay, on our way to Sydney, where we planned to stay. It was an awesome time for us, and we were getting along really well. After, getting job's we decided to put our savings together and buy a small apartment in the city. "The boy" started working two jobs, during the day he would design websites and thing's like that and in the evening he would work in a bar. Over the next few months he started to stress out and take drugs, it started off just being a recreational thing as time went on though, I was starting to notice a change in his personality.
Irrational,Erratic,Moody, you name it he had that emotion and he could turn it on and off like a light. I would come home to a mess, or find myself lieing to my friends and family because I didn't want any-one to know what was going on with him. It had been a year or so since I had talked to "The Man" so I thought I would write him an e-mail just asking how he was. We seemed to get along with each other before and this time I really needed some-one to talk to that wasn't going to judge me for what I had gotten myself in to.
We talked, and little by little we started learning more and more about each other.
And my feeling's for him were changing in to some-thing that felt real. It was safe to talk to him and helped me with what I was dealing with.
In November of last year, I got engaged, I didn't tell "The Man" at that time it didn't seem relevant or at least I didn't want to admit it to myself let alone him.
"The boy " And I were engaged, and I was pregnant, although I didn't realise I was pregnant until later.
"The Man" Was coming back to Sydney for the Christmas holidays, by this time we were quite close, and the prospect of meeting him was exciting. It was around this time that "The boy" started getting worse, he would argue with me, or come home wasted and hit me, he would call me all the time feeling insecure about where I was and what I was doing.
It was at this time that I told "The Man" What was going on. I didn't meet the him, I was scared that some-thing else might happen if I was to do this.
So, back overseas went "The Man" as my personal life started to fall apart, I started to rely on him, talking to help was a way to escape, and made me feel better.
It was easy to talk to "The Man" We talked daily, for hours, one day 13 hours. There was some-thing there. We could relate to each other, we exchanged photo's and thing's like that. So here I was with 2 people in my life, unsure of how to juggle both of them.
"The Man" And I talked so often we were starting to sound the same, and say the same thing's.
I was by this time going to my fiance's country for a 3 week holiday, I said to "the man" I was going to finish thing's with "The boy" And we could see whether him and I were meant to be.
I told "The Man" in the first few minutes of landing that I had enough of the relationship and I thought it would be best if we moved in separate ways, he agreed. Over those three weeks he was really attentive and it was good to see how he was around his own family and friends as I had never seen this. A pattern was starting to form, I wasn't sure what to do, because giving up on my current relationship to be with some-one I had never met, seemed really, really, unrealistic.
I had a ticket to visit "The Man" and I didn't go. I got a refund on the ticket at the last minute.
Back in Australia, "The man " and I kept talking and "The boy" moved his stuff out of our apartment, it was over. For a little while at least, "The Man" Was moving back to Sydney,
we started to talk about seeing each other, and the thing's we could do with each other.
I found out a week before he arrived that I was four months pregnant. I might of known before this but I ignored the signs. "The boy" came over and we talked about it, I told him I was in love with some-one , I never told him at that point that the person I was in love with I hadn't actually met. He got angry and left.
I had a baby inside of me, I had a fiance that was not going to give up on us and some-one I had never met, that I felt this connection with. Sort of like we had met a million times before.
And the fact that I was pregnant and engaged, I never even told "The Man" The thought crossed my mind so many times, and every time I went to tell him , I would say some-thing else, and I had to cover up a lie with a lie. It just kept getting worse and worse. All of a sudden, because of the thing's that were going on his attitude understandably changed.
I knew it was selfish of me, to hold on to this person whilst, every-thing else was going on. I felt like I was living two lives.
Thing's between "The Boy" And I were not getting any better, he was still following my every move, monitoring what was happening with me, even following me to work. A huge argument took place over "The Man" , where I ended up telling him I had never met him before.
Thinking this would calm him down, it didn't. I went to my parent's place, they live in another city, and I spent the week with them, trying to get my head straight.
"The Boy" showed up, we talked and decided we would stay together. We would try and change our situation. I would need to stop talking to "The man". I knew, this was best, because it would make thing's less complicated. I also, knew that if I was to tell "the Man " The truth , that surely his feeling's would be different. Pregnant,engaged, obviously tells some-one that I was in a more serious relationship than I had let on. "The Man" was also seeing some-one by this time, I was heartbroken when I found this out, and knew that I was being so selfish, not letting some-one in on my life yet being heartbroken that he was trying to get on with his life.
This is where it gets even more bizarre.
"The boy" being insecure about this, decides some-one else should meet him and tell him all of this, so he arranges for some-one else to meet him and tell him what's going on.
This happens, and I am not sure of the events that took place from there, but I never heared from "The Man" again.
I know its so easy to judge if you have never been through some-thing like this, I want to make it clear that even though my actions don't reflect my feeling's, I did feel some-thing amazing with "The Man" Its been a month now since we have spoken. I know that now he would have moved past all of this, especially after the way he was treated.
I believe that, thing's happen in people's lives for a reason, and people come in and out of your life. And I know he was an important part of my life, even though I never met him, He challenged the way I thought about thing's. I still go to sleep at night, praying that he is okay, and I still check my phone hoping that I will get a text or a call, and there's day's where I am driving in my car and I think I should just go and see him, I mean a drink isn't going to hurt. Than my thoughts turn to "The boy" And "The baby" and I realise its not helping any-one by me complicating thing's even further. Admittedly, I feel guilty every single day for the lies.
Slowly, thing's are getting better with "The boy" He has been making an effort to get thing's right between us, and gets excited when we talk about our baby. And so do I.
I did always hope that I would have a baby made out of love, Who knows maybe it will be made out of love, the love just might come later?
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