The First one, A background of the past, to the present.

The first post from me, I have been told that writing a blog is "therapeutic" and a good way to get your thoughts and feeling's out, Kind of neutral I guess. I would prefer not to have my name here, just because its easier to remain anon. when writing about the detail's of your life, and I would prefer that the people I write about remain anon. as well.
And seeing as I have some-thing that I need to say, I am going to write it all in here.
I want to write about what's happened over the past few month's/years as it
had a huge affect on me, and leaves me feeling sick every-time I think about it.
I live in Sydney with my partner of four year's lets call him "The boy" Because, that's sort of what he his, even though he is 28, Some-time's I find it hard to tell the difference between him and my 14 year old brother. To say we have an amazing relationship would be a lie. Its a painful, some-times great but mostly sad relationship. To add to that I am having a baby in 2 more months, so I am at a place in my life where I feel confused about the thing's that are going on in my life. In fact, I have been confused for a very long time.
There used to be another person in this strange, triangle he was very much an active part of my life, I am going to call him "The Man" because, he is exactly that.
To put every-thing in to perspective, I think I need to start at the top and keep writing until I get to where I am now. This will be the longest post out of all of them, I am sure!
I met "The boy" when I was living overseas, he was exciting and fun and from another country, so I loved getting to know him. It wasn't love at first sight or any-thing like that. It was more that I was living in a lower developed country alone and enjoyed his company, so him and I just sort of fell together.
It all happened very fast, a year after we were together, he went back to his home country and I went back to mine for a holiday. It was around 6 weeks we were apart. When I returned back to my "adopted home". "The boy " told me he had met some-one else. I was really hurt, I can still remember the moment that he told me, I should have known though because the weeks leading up to that moment there were signs. His lack of interest in my life and thing's like that.
This is where it starts to get a little bit odd, and I can't believe I am actually going to post this online, but it starts to get a little odd, than it just gets BIZARRE.
I than "meet : The Man"
Its not "meet" like in the natural, way, Its "meet" as in , started talking to him online.
It was just talking, he was facing his own issues, and was finding it much easier to talk to some-one he had never met about his problems, he was struggling with his own identity.
It was nice to talk to him because I didn't need to tell him about my broken relationship, I could just listen to what was going on with him. He was in a relationship and feeling a little lost as far as his personal life went. On the surface, he had a great friends, and a good job and a
lot of thing's going for him. So, we talked about the issues he was facing, I never judged him because, what he thought and did was not of any affect to me.
A few months later "The Boy " came back in to my life, apologising full of guilt and remorse, and so I started to see him again. "The man" had his own thing's going on so we left it at that.
Than, the day came and it was time for "The boy" And I to either stay together and he move to Australia or break up. He chose to come to Australia. We got a car and drove from Cairns to Brisbane, stayed in the Sunshine coast, and drove down through Byron Bay, on our way to Sydney, where we planned to stay. It was an awesome time for us, and we were getting along really well. After, getting job's we decided to put our savings together and buy a small apartment in the city. "The boy" started working two jobs, during the day he would design websites and thing's like that and in the evening he would work in a bar. Over the next few months he started to stress out and take drugs, it started off just being a recreational thing as time went on though, I was starting to notice a change in his personality.
Irrational,Erratic,Moody, you name it he had that emotion and he could turn it on and off like a light. I would come home to a mess, or find myself lieing to my friends and family because I didn't want any-one to know what was going on with him. It had been a year or so since I had talked to "The Man" so I thought I would write him an e-mail just asking how he was. We seemed to get along with each other before and this time I really needed some-one to talk to that wasn't going to judge me for what I had gotten myself in to.
We talked, and little by little we started learning more and more about each other.
And my feeling's for him were changing in to some-thing that felt real. It was safe to talk to him and helped me with what I was dealing with.
In November of last year, I got engaged, I didn't tell "The Man" at that time it didn't seem relevant or at least I didn't want to admit it to myself let alone him.
"The boy " And I were engaged, and I was pregnant, although I didn't realise I was pregnant until later.
"The Man" Was coming back to Sydney for the Christmas holidays, by this time we were quite close, and the prospect of meeting him was exciting. It was around this time that "The boy" started getting worse, he would argue with me, or come home wasted and hit me, he would call me all the time feeling insecure about where I was and what I was doing.
It was at this time that I told "The Man" What was going on. I didn't meet the him, I was scared that some-thing else might happen if I was to do this.
So, back overseas went "The Man" as my personal life started to fall apart, I started to rely on him, talking to help was a way to escape, and made me feel better.
It was easy to talk to "The Man" We talked daily, for hours, one day 13 hours. There was some-thing there. We could relate to each other, we exchanged photo's and thing's like that. So here I was with 2 people in my life, unsure of how to juggle both of them.
"The Man" And I talked so often we were starting to sound the same, and say the same thing's.
I was by this time going to my fiance's country for a 3 week holiday, I said to "the man" I was going to finish thing's with "The boy" And we could see whether him and I were meant to be.
I told "The Man" in the first few minutes of landing that I had enough of the relationship and I thought it would be best if we moved in separate ways, he agreed. Over those three weeks he was really attentive and it was good to see how he was around his own family and friends as I had never seen this. A pattern was starting to form, I wasn't sure what to do, because giving up on my current relationship to be with some-one I had never met, seemed really, really, unrealistic.
I had a ticket to visit "The Man" and I didn't go. I got a refund on the ticket at the last minute.
Back in Australia, "The man " and I kept talking and "The boy" moved his stuff out of our apartment, it was over. For a little while at least, "The Man" Was moving back to Sydney,
we started to talk about seeing each other, and the thing's we could do with each other.
I found out a week before he arrived that I was four months pregnant. I might of known before this but I ignored the signs. "The boy" came over and we talked about it, I told him I was in love with some-one , I never told him at that point that the person I was in love with I hadn't actually met. He got angry and left.
I had a baby inside of me, I had a fiance that was not going to give up on us and some-one I had never met, that I felt this connection with. Sort of like we had met a million times before.
And the fact that I was pregnant and engaged, I never even told "The Man" The thought crossed my mind so many times, and every time I went to tell him , I would say some-thing else, and I had to cover up a lie with a lie. It just kept getting worse and worse. All of a sudden, because of the thing's that were going on his attitude understandably changed.
I knew it was selfish of me, to hold on to this person whilst, every-thing else was going on. I felt like I was living two lives.
Thing's between "The Boy" And I were not getting any better, he was still following my every move, monitoring what was happening with me, even following me to work. A huge argument took place over "The Man" , where I ended up telling him I had never met him before.
Thinking this would calm him down, it didn't. I went to my parent's place, they live in another city, and I spent the week with them, trying to get my head straight.
"The Boy" showed up, we talked and decided we would stay together. We would try and change our situation. I would need to stop talking to "The man". I knew, this was best, because it would make thing's less complicated. I also, knew that if I was to tell "the Man " The truth , that surely his feeling's would be different. Pregnant,engaged, obviously tells some-one that I was in a more serious relationship than I had let on. "The Man" was also seeing some-one by this time, I was heartbroken when I found this out, and knew that I was being so selfish, not letting some-one in on my life yet being heartbroken that he was trying to get on with his life.
This is where it gets even more bizarre.
"The boy" being insecure about this, decides some-one else should meet him and tell him all of this, so he arranges for some-one else to meet him and tell him what's going on.
This happens, and I am not sure of the events that took place from there, but I never heared from "The Man" again.
I know its so easy to judge if you have never been through some-thing like this, I want to make it clear that even though my actions don't reflect my feeling's, I did feel some-thing amazing with "The Man" Its been a month now since we have spoken. I know that now he would have moved past all of this, especially after the way he was treated.
I believe that, thing's happen in people's lives for a reason, and people come in and out of your life. And I know he was an important part of my life, even though I never met him, He challenged the way I thought about thing's. I still go to sleep at night, praying that he is okay, and I still check my phone hoping that I will get a text or a call, and there's day's where I am driving in my car and I think I should just go and see him, I mean a drink isn't going to hurt. Than my thoughts turn to "The boy" And "The baby" and I realise its not helping any-one by me complicating thing's even further. Admittedly, I feel guilty every single day for the lies.
Slowly, thing's are getting better with "The boy" He has been making an effort to get thing's right between us, and gets excited when we talk about our baby. And so do I.
I did always hope that I would have a baby made out of love, Who knows maybe it will be made out of love, the love just might come later?